It’s been hard to write at the keyboard because so much is moving both behind the scenes and in 3D. However, insights fly past my eyelids as I meditate on the train or sit quietly at home, so I know something has been brewing and on the verge of birthing. It is exciting to be hopeful again on the wake of loss, but this liminal space still brings emotions.
I’m in a spiritual layover where hard work is slowly yielding fruits, but not yet ripe to consume. Layover land is powerful. Purgatory is freedom in the sense that every option is possible. In this vortex, I have been contemplating surrender, willpower, and the roles they’ve recently played in my life.
Winter was eye-opening in the sense that I used my freedom of will to explore connection opportunities through travel. The journeys ultimately forced me to learn that it was necessary to release a long held goal of having romantic partnership. It’s not that I don’t believe in love or that love isn’t in the cards for me. But the details of how and when it happens I really have no control over. In the end all I can do is hold true to my values, heal from previous heartbreaks, and remain open toward invitations for love that feel right.
Surrender taught me there is wisdom to be gained from letting go how you want people to receive you, and instead, receive yourself. Pulling inward is a skill that allows me to collect understanding and fortify it into maturity. Spending time alone outside of the context of societal and cultural norms is hard, especially because we inherently need relationship as social beings. However, surrendering to what I think connection needs to be, and letting myself flow through days has informed me that conversation, intimacy, and rapport actually occurs on a regular basis.
They’re not the ideal forms that take time and timing to materialize, but being in a receptive state is where I noticed strangers delivering me compliments on the street. Sitting at a local bar and eating dinner brought bouts of laughter with diners and staff. Walking through the woods with a group of gays offered discussions about spirituality and healing that mattered to me. Suddenly I am being seen, but just not in the forms I clenched so hardly to.
Surrender is receptivity, and receptivity is attractive. I am the flower who is patiently waiting in the meadow for the right folk to pollinate with. And because I wait for what’s right, I have more energy. For myself, for others, and to pursue what’s in my control.
It’s been remarkable to explore ways my freedom of will benefits and energizes me. I realize some obstacles need to be fought. Some circumstances require courage, effort, resilience to move forward toward abundance and peace. I may not have control over others and other outside forces larger than me, but I do have a say in the kind of life I wish to build and avenues explored to potentially receive.
The past month I’ve been sitting with relationships and experiences that have left anger in my belly. Accepting less than I deserved. Systems inherently designed to beat down marginalized demographics. Thoughtful, nuanced, and introspective intelligence overlooked for the instagram-able and trendy. The rage boiled over, and I comprehended this is fuel to make choices toward new networks, homes, and value systems.
This is where I revise what I’ll tolerate in a workspace, a partnership. Where I communicate my needs outwardly to new folk. And where I rebrand my identity as a worthwhile, creative, loving, and intelligent force. Willpower here means I recognize the sheer determination I have to move forward towards the things that give me energy. Right now, transitioning from this old phase of life is the most powerful fire I’ve ever experienced.
It’s a not a grass is greener situation. It’s a necessary shift from one form of living, so that I mature and add new tools to my spiritual toolkit. So that I am of service to an aligned audience. That I right-size myself, seeing how much I’ve accomplished which deserves to be expanded on. If I don’t fight for my rights, it’s unfortunately likely they will not be given. This is a stark reminder of human history and how revolution has shifted society. I embrace the fire to transform and catalyze into a newer, powerful me.
Energy of will at the beginning of the year forced me to surrender. Surrendering in Spring has birthed momentum to move once more. Push. Pull. Yin. Yang. I’m in a portal between force and release and they matter equally. Between what’s out of my control, and the things I push back on, is where my life flows. A delicate, intricate, perpetual balance of adjustment, refinement, and ultimately, evolution.