While aloneness is necessary for me, there are points that are just really hard. After all, we are social creatures by instinct. Here, the boundaries of what my relationship needs can become blurred.
It has been bumpy. I demanded things from people they could not give, or I became resentful when a relationship didn’t last as long as I’d like.
I am grateful to have worked through enough attachment-style wounds, that I’m more grounded in non-attachment than before.
This past weekend, I went away on a retreat with one of the spiritual communities I’m in. Because of the adjustments I’ve been making in regards to my relationships, I was hesitant about exploring togetherness with a group of people for an extended time.
It led to moments wondering if I even wanted to go, but the tarot cards I pulled and intuitive messages I received from my guides suggested to attend anyway.
Ultimately, I felt prepared to enter the experience. I made intentions that this trip would be first and foremost about me loving on myself, and then letting the pristine nature around to love on me, too. Anything else would be a bonus.
Something I’ve learned through practicing non-attachment, is that love wants to be free. I see this like a butterfly landing on my arms. I receive the invitation, play with it, honor the experience, and then when it’s ready, set it free.
As a result of my openness to that awareness, there were many new, powerful, and surprising forms I was able to share and receive connection. I have to name some, because my heart was touched in places I did not expect.
I offered tarot readings for people who never considered it a tool for guidance.
I was hugged more times than I can count.
We swam in the lake at night, checking in with each other through voice.
A friend offering a sound healing, which provided me the space to grieve a tough year.
I performed a dance for the group, and afterwards, witnessed a friend reflect his favorite moves of mine through his own body.
Laughing with others playing games, after crying from sharing stories of pain and struggle.
Supporting and be supported through touch and affection with a friend, as we took train home
The consolidation of a weekend to explore companionship through non-attachment was eye-opening for my interconnection journey. There are so many ways, shapes, colors, and textures that love materializes, and I was recipient to a rainbow of them.
I’ve struggled many times with the “what comes next” after special moments of connection. I’ve wanted them to hold on to them for dear life, because I suffered from a childhood, where those times were far and few between.
Today, I don’t need to hold as much. It’s enough to receive what I did. And because I did not hold, what I got was profound. I danced this weekend with energy, bodies, and feelings. They were graceful, tender, joyful and most importantly, free.