November has been a restrictive month for me. I use that word not as a negative, but to invite curiosity of how limits and reductions could assist in meeting goals through the passage of time.
There were a number instances these few weeks, where I put myself out into the world. I wanted connection and I tried to invite this with a non-attached, but welcoming heart. Ultimately I was met with rejection.
Rejection is not new to me. Frankly, I used to be rejected all the time, because I put myself in spaces that were never really aligned with my bests interests. I pursued people that were never available for what I was seeking from the start. I was not self aware enough to realize I was looking for love in the wrong places, as they say.
This moment is a little different. Though I have no control of outcomes, I do meditate on where I explore community and connection that could be matched with my values. I’ve been involved in creative writing groups, spiritual meetups, and for dating, have explored more in-person opportunities as opposed to apps.
How funny is it when you attend a function aligned for supportive connections, that you notice you’re othered, or the group attending is not receptive to what you bring. If I wasn’t active deepening my emotional intelligence, I’d say it really deter me opening myself to future connections and even strike a match of resentment on my heart.
So when things don’t go how’d like, or I feel orphaned, I try to sit with what a larger narrative could be saying. The first thing I’m aware of, is that sometimes life just isn’t fair. As we see in the world, there are many unjust, cruel things that happen to innocent folk. They say everything happened for a reason, but sometimes I have to question that.
I think about people who might be wanting to make a real difference, or bring love and kindness who could meet cruel and heartbreaking ends simply because our society contains so much trauma. And so when bad things happen to me, I don’t always take it personally, because I’m aware life will bring hard things sometimes for no reason at all.
Then I try to ponder a bit deeper, and envision what the spiritual message could be as well. I am at a point in my life, where I’ve intuitively felt major life changes approaching the horizon. I don’t know exactly what, but my gut has foreshadowed for a while that my daily living may not be the same a year for now.
This is something I actually want, because I see these changes will actually help me grow and mature. And so what could it mean that as this shift feels closer then ever, life seems to be offering me so little, currently?
I work with an energy healer who has supported me immensely this past year. In my last session, I brought up the alienations and we discussed how sometimes these things arrive to actually strengthen ones self worth. Not only that, but the ability to endure, to thrive, to be patient through withholding can be used as experience to support others.
As a someone who wants to be a healer, I know that the struggles I’ve faced with connection have actually helped me be empathic, because I’ve chosen to transform the energy this way. I can sit, listen and offer guidance on how to navigate tough currents because I’ve walked similar paths. Here, I find trust to know that I am going to be OK, even when things are lonely.
December approaches and it appears the opportunities I didn’t have these few weeks are beginning to bubble up again. Though it wasn’t always pleasant, if I didn’t experience this extended me-time, I wouldn’t have the clarity I have now to understand what I’ve written about. And I wouldn’t feel as confident in my needs and desires, as I begin to meander through people and places once more.