In September, I started weight-lifting with a trainer. I never stepped inside a gym and did not have any inclination to prior. I’m recalling the night before signing up for membership. There was this dream about my health needing attention and intuition suggested muscle building would affect more than just my body.
As the year closes, this fitness journey has indeed expanded beyond my physical form. If I had to use one word to encapsulate the past twelve months, it would easily be strength.
Sitting at the keyboard, after a grueling hour of deadlifts, dumbbells and push-ups, I’m feeling a quiet power massage my neck as I recall 2023.
Winter
Last winter I was organizing a community group for LGBTQIA+ folks. It was proving to be successful. We explored discussions about connection and took walks at the park. There was a member, enthused about the cause, who wished to support my efforts, and from there it also seemed to blossom unexpected, deep, romantic potential between us. This person taught me a lot about relationship dynamics: holding space, being patient, allowing someone to be who they are. At the time it was tricky, they were navigating shame from past relationships and caught in a cycle of giving to unavailable people. I had to decide if waiting further for them would be ideal for me, ready and to go deeper.
It turns out they weren’t and would not be for some time. From the qualities they had, the interests we shared, I thought this person could of been my soulmate. But I had to step away, because if I waited for them longer, I would of been unhealthily intertwined in their healing process, which needed to be about them learning to value themselves. I remember the grief I felt telling them I loved them, but in this case love was not enough. I remember their stone-cold face, not able to process how much they meant to me. It only confirmed I needed more and that was okay.
After moving separate ways, a friend suggested I reflect about what made this person special to me. I learned that while we were not able to explore further, those specialties can be a reference for the next person who is ready and willing to go there. My self-worth in relation to connection was deepened. I can confidently express that I do not need a person who is perfect or has it all figured out, but one who recognizes the amount of love I have to offer and chooses me, even if there is fear.
Spring
In the spring I voyaged on a life changing spiritual retreat to Ecuador. It was a vulnerable experience, spending a week with new folks, hoping to achieve a deepened sense of authenticity. We connected to plant medicine at the peak of a volcano, and spent time in ceremony with tezmacal. It had it’s bumps. I recall feeling a sense of homesickness I had not felt before. And I suppose in order to see your authentic potential, you first have to feel like there is none. I left that retreat grateful, with an awareness that the light in me is powerful and attentive.
There were hopes the transition back to New York, would be like rainbows and butterflies, but it wasn’t the case. I fell into a deep depression that in hindsight was really a spiritual awakening. I was pushing myself at work, in a way that shattered upon return. Something went wrong and I was going to a place mentally, that was similar to a period I wanted to take my life. Medical leave was necessary at this point and so was space to slow down. It was brutal. One of the worst moments of this year was taking myself to the park in hopes to feel some life. I was laying down on a blanket staring at the newly sprouted leaves and could not feel a thing. Nature has always been one place I can connect to something more, and to not have that experience was harrowing.
Things got better as weeks passed, I could feel my emotions returning and hope for life blossoming again. Towards the end of my leave, I investigated why this breakdown (or as my therapist called it, a breakthrough) occurred, and suddenly it was obvious I was expending too much energy on how others thought of me. I’d been putting excessive effort into a corporate system that ultimately, am expendable in. I began to clearly recognize, that my worth will not based on any job, social presence or public image. I am already whole, as a loving imperfect, soul. If I am to be judged by anything, it will be the values and principles I carry out as a human, desiring to be a positive influence on the world.
Summer
Summer brought balance, fun, and then a deeply transformative cocooning. I meditated by the ocean regularly. Floating in the salt water, staring at the sun soothed my spirit and I could once more feel nature hugging my flesh. I went on a connected, community rich retreat and I gave socializing one more push before things quickly shifted to me-time. Penetrating, extended me-time. I think a number of occurrences influenced this.
There were a number painful events with family that forced me to adjust my emotional boundaries. I learned one of my siblings, who I used to live with became unhoused due to addiction and codependency issues. Another relative, who I was attempting to build relationship with quickly became distant, even removing me from their social media. And after seeing these cycles of trauma play out between one another with little promise of changing, I decided that what’s best for my well-being is to remove myself from the picture. I was born into a well-meaning family unit who, for the most part does not contain the empathy, the compassion, the kindness that I require in any close relationship to feel seen and supported. I understand today I have to cultivate my own family for this.
So much sorting through new insights and challenging stances these months brought exhaustion. It felt like I was shedding an immense amount of preconceived notions in a short time. I had to shut away to tend to the lessening. I didn’t know what could come from this, only that I bellied a yearning to be wiser, clearer, and new. Summer was wildly augmentative, and it guided me to begin a pathway of strengthening shortly after.
Autumn
Whenever I start a new practice, I’m generally a complete mess. I feel embarrassed and usually try to quit because things aren’t going how I’d like. I knew that stepping into the gym would be similar, so I bit my tongue and let myself flop on the floor after a few pushups. I always had a fear of gym culture. Toxic conversations with fitness gays and societally induced brainwashing had me suspicious of workout spaces. Yet there, I was, three times a week with my coach.
The first sign I noticed rigorous exercise was working for me, was observing how situations that use to baffle me felt neutral. Emotions were manageable. Then came the slimming of my stomach and humps forming on my biceps. I was dancing naked in the mirror to house music, my figure light and joyful. I believe I wasn’t able to start the gym previously, because I wasn’t secure enough to do it just for me. But from the amount of purging, emotional stretching and transformation I’ve handled this year, the plate was clear to apply this change physically. The fall brought a number of disappointments, rejection and othering. What supported me through that was the bench press. Intervals of crunches and sweat dripping from burpees. I am now tougher on all levels because I apply it to my body.
During walks home from Crunch Flatbush, I started to foresee a loving partnership with one who wants to hold and cherish me enter my life. I forecasted a career upgrade, where I’m recognized and treated appropriately. I saw a new home environment, calm, tranquil, with invested community. Suddenly, life appears to have a lot more in store. It seems my intuitive hit about fitness being more than bodily improvement was accurate. I believe exercise is not just about muscle but preparedness. Preparedness to receive incoming blessings. If so much pours in, even beautiful, but I can’t handle the weight, I could be crushed. Three months in and I’m ready now. A first coating of strong.
This newsletter has mentioned that life will not always treat those who do or mean well fairly. When I look back at this past year, it could be very easy to focus on the negative, but I do not see it that way. I view it as training, the way my coach pushed me on the treadmill. I feel emphatically powerful, and excited to be entering a new year.
With what these months have brought, I can express astutely, that I have the capacity to endure hardship, to love deeply, to forgive, and still choose joy, despite the odds against me. Now I’m excited to encounter, build with and learn from those are willing to see that. To see me. And choose to be stronger together. Because while I had many times where I felt lonely, when it really mattered, I was never really alone.