Last week I flew to Atlanta to visit my mother. I have a number of trips planned this year in hopes of finding a new home, and I wanted an opportunity for us to connect in advance of major life changes. Her journey and I’s are similar; we have experienced seemingly insurmountable obstacles, yet have found ways to persevere. She’s dealt with abuse, poverty, and health issues from all sorts of terrible angles. She also hasn’t been the best mother through it all. There were many times in my childhood where I was neglected because of personal challenges she faced and it ultimately affected me as a dependent.
Traumas and rough dynamics between us became the result of these hardships, and there was even a point we didn’t speak for a few years from the pain of our past. I am grateful for my healing process, because it’s helped me let go of resentments and see the story of what she went through in a compassionate light. I was blessed to begin a slow amends process with her that has us so close today.
Upon arrival of Atlanta, I was hoping for pleasurable reunion, but that wasn’t the case. My mother unintentionally left me stranded at the airport due to a communication issue and it brought me back to that place I was as a kid: wounded, abandoned, and just deeply hurt. Energies flared in me that I haven’t experienced since my healing journey and I lashed out. I was so ashamed to go to that place again, but I also realize that I was in the midst of powerful beginnings, and to be let down by a person I am deeply connected to, it made sense I regressed.
Luckily, I was able to find some centering after, and make amends with her once more. And then the appearance of a miracle occurred. Recently, I had been exploring life opportunities, and received a profound offer immediately after we made up. I was on the phone discussing details of this offer while she was in parking lot of my hotel praying for me. I felt magic and promise surround the walls of quarters and upon being told news I have been waiting so long to hear, I ran out of my room and let her know.
We cried together tears of joy in that lot. We embraced one another lovingly, and in ways I honestly can’t remember. What a gift, to go from one deep moment of pain, towards celebration and intimacy. The trip ended successfully, with us at peace, and me about to embark on a brand new life path. “God is good,” I recall texting my therapist while departing.
I arrive to back to New York and begin the process of making major changes when the unthinkable happens. The opportunity I was presented with was actually a complete scam. Something that appeared so promising was made up of air and malice. My head has been spinning backwards in trying to piece together how things went this way, but after a deep rest I believe I understand.
Just when you think you have something figured out, life brings something out of the blue to change your understanding. Security and a plan are useful things to have, but there will always be forces beyond our control which shape details of how and when things occur. If this is so, then how do we move forward toward the things we want and deserve?
Some time ago, one of my mentors gave me a beautiful metaphor for surrendering to timing in life. He said “move at the speed of trust.” I believe this a powerful mantra for me to hold to heart, as I navigate the twists and turns of opportunity and loss. Though I’m sitting in in the presence of complete confusion, I’m forced to be present now. I have no data of what’s to come next, besides holding this energy of trust in my soul.
Trust that love, opportunity, change, and a new foundation of a life, I’ve been wanting and deserving is on it’s way. Trust that things will work out as they should. Trust that I’m gonna be okay, comma, no matter what.