We’re all hopefully doing our best and that’s something I actively remind myself. I’m thinking about connection, riding the tides of promise and disappointments. Specifically, I’m processing my evolution in how I handle experiences with people who’ve hurt and taken advantage of me, whether intentional or not.
In my early twenties, I didn’t have a grounded understanding of not taking other’s actions personally. I wanted love so much, but internal security was lacking. When people didn’t live up to my expectations or wronged me, it stung, and the periods of grief following were self-destructive. I’d lash it out toward others. I remember kind people entering my life and shutting them away.
That’s something that makes me sad about human experience. When we’re wounded, and we don’t heal, it’s easy to project pain toward others. I’m grateful for my experience with 12-step recovery, because it’s helped me take a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. In my recent years, I’ve examined actions I believed were right, became aware I was hurting people from my own unprocessed trauma.
The other side of this examination is to hold myself with deep compassion for being where I was, balancing humble accountability to do better next time. Shame and mistakes are unglamorous things to look at. It’s easier to turn a blind eye, or if you notice them, sink into a hole that feels impossible to climb out of. People isolate, attack and it can get pretty messy.
I’ve turned a real corner in my spiritual journey. I try my best to be mindful of how my actions effect others and aim to be positive influence on the world. It’s beautiful, and puts peace in my heart I haven’t felt before, but it doesn’t mean that the world will treat me similarly. And that’s tough. The lesson I’m now navigating, is how I respond to others who operate from a wounded place.
A month ago, while exploring online dating in a city I’d be traveling to, I matched a guy who immediately showed deep partnership potential. The thing about him was when we connected, frankly, it was to explore sex, but the conversation quickly became romantic and supportive communication was established. In all of my experience dating, I never encountered someone who so closely matched my own ability to write thoughts and feelings in a loving, intelligent way.
It was a first, and it gave me indication he would be someone I wouldn’t have to worry about. I was grounded to know our upcoming in-person meeting, would really show the direction of our connection, but it felt so secure and promising on my end. We had a few bumpy conversations about fears and availability, but they seemed to move forward with clarity and a strengthened foundation.
The tough part about unhealed wounds is that when real opportunities for joy are present, it can be hard to trust in them and choose it. As the trip drew closer, I felt anxieties creep in about our meeting, and it was difficult to determine if they were his or mine. I’m an empath and I can feel energies of people I’m close or becoming close to. We had another conversation about fears and then the dynamic between us quickly shifted. He expressed he wasn’t ready for a relationship, which was dramatically different then what had started.
At this point, I had to really sit with my secure attachment progress, if waiting for someone to decide whether they wanted to be with me was worth it. Younger me would of begged for more love or shut it down with injury. But I told myself to be patient, and even if partnership no longer seemed likely, to meet anyway, as the narrative could be very different then.
Upon arrival to my trip, he let me know he was sick and that he’d need a few days to recover. It was again, surprising, but my trip was also about exploring the city, so I allowed myself to remain neutral and enjoyed the California climate. As days passed, thoughts circled if he was being honest, and if we’d actually meet, but I knew going there would not help, so I tried to expect the best.
And then the night before our meeting arrived, and I received communication from him that told me everything I needed to know. In the most detached way, he expressed he was still sick and simply that he hopes I have a great trip. The writing dissolved all the intimacy we shared the past month. It felt so dismissive and was disguised in nice language.
If I had not emotionally neutralized my feelings toward him with his news of not being available for a relationship, I would of been devastated, but even so, to receive this shift of tone was hurtful. I started to speculate all the possibilities of what could of happened. I imagined if insecurities or unwillingness to be vulnerable led to this behavior. I wondered if the thought of me rejecting him was there. And honestly, things changed so quickly, I’ve even pondered if narcissism was present.
I’m grateful I came to accept that I will never know what went down with him, and to not take these actions toward me personally. What’s sad though, is that it’s another experience where we hurt people because we aren’t healed ourselves. The idealist in me wants us all to choose this powerful path of love, but it just isn’t in the cards for some.
At a crossroads of feeling embodied secure attachment, but still a recipient to other’s wounds, I now see more lessons to learn, as I open to universal truths. The first thing I’m aware of is to have boundaries in getting to know new people, even if they seem exactly like what I want. Next, I get to claim being proud of myself for operating via a path of generosity and kindness, even if another isn’t able to receive it.
And the last thing I’m holding close to my heart is that I get to choose how I respond to pain and disappointment. I won’t hurt people because I’m hurting. I won’t let the past hold me back from the beautiful potentials of the future.
It sucks to think I may have been taken advantage of. But I also forgive everyone who has. I forgive, because ultimately we are all deserving of love and acceptance. And when love comes knocking on my door, I won’t shut it down in fear I’m not worthy of it or that I may get hurt. In fact I know more than ever before I am. To honor this, my intentions are to operate as I have been. With deep love, mindfulness and acceptance of others as they are. And to move forward, as the mature, grounded and giving soul I am.
❤️❤️❤️❤️