If there is one thing the last few months has shown me, it’s that no amount of inner work will prevent wounds or difficult experiences from appearing. It is human nature to go through a spectrum of circumstances, and what matters is how we respond to them. The choices we make based on what comes up, who we meet, and how we perceive our stories. Ultimately, I am understanding life is a journey not a destination.
Obviously this newsletter is deeply centered on self-reflection. I have and will always value this part of myself. My closest connections have also carried this sentiment, and it’s helped motivate me toward greater emotional intelligence. Yet, at this moment I’ve been questioning all of it, and I believe that’s the point.
Life seemed to be going one way. There was awareness, directions of living that seemed authentic, and then suddenly, new data, old wounds, present circumstances made everything askew. It’s a fun feeling to think you’ve got it figured out, only to have to sit once more and re-evaluate.
I’ve explored so much externally these few months. Healers, trips, lovers, friends and more. Last year was this deeply introverted chapter, and then 2024 shifted toward taking on the world and energies around me. I have zero regrets for exploring what I did, but things reached a saturation point, where while meditating, it finally hit me that I really didn’t know what was truly me in all of it.
That’s when I know I need to quiet down, reflect, grieve and process all that’s happened. And when I do this, frankly, it becomes overwhelming because I receive insights I wasn’t able to notice before. Insights I wished I caught sooner to maybe prevent challenges. I see that’s actually the point of how we become aware, but I can be hard on myself with this. So I’m doing my best to be compassionate and flow with what is another difficult moment of life.
Some parts of these experiences have been manageable and even pleasant; traveling frequently, putting myself into new environments, eating delicious food and enjoying warmer climates. And others contained complex wounds to heal from and untangle. Lovers who were potentially narcissists, a relationship with a healer that seemed to mirror the same. It is mind-blowing to encounter people who mask an energy of deep love and compassion, only to have the actions and language not follow through.
That has been a reminder that we are all capable of a range of choices. I could also operate this way, as they are just as human as me. So the question becomes, with all these paths, these people, these perspectives on living and moving forward, what’s my way?
And then I remember my body. My veins, muscles, lungs, kidneys, and my beating heart. So much of what I need, my deepest truths really comes from within. I start to recall how much I have felt aligned when I muted the outside and just focused inwardly. That can be hard to do when you’ve experienced trauma and have been abandoned, because it feels like you are truly alone with no one. However, it’s actually the opposite, because there is such a powerful love that blossoms from the bends of my elbows.
It’s love that reminds me of the love that is in my life. The friends I’ve laughed with. The partners who’ve explored intimacy with me. The groups and communities who have supported me and who I’ve supported. The trees which stand tall and remind me to do similar. The grass that tethers me to this moment. The animals who operate out of pure care, affection and connection.
Though things have been disorienting it is a blessing to remember this divine truth of my body. That I can nourish it with exercise, food and meditation. That I can close my eyes, breathe, feel the pulse of my arteries, and witness Source telling me what I need to do. This wisdom is important. It doesn’t mean I don’t value others’ perspectives or to learn from the world around me, but what stays and what goes gets filtered via the flesh I walk with on a daily basis.
There is a lot that I do not know and may not know for some time. There are many things in flux that I can only be patient with, and trust that what eventually lands will be for my best interest. I’m believing in the best possible outcomes. Wishing the same for others, and meditating in the quiet morning light, telling my body how much I love it, until the next opportunity arrives.